I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
