Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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