its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
