just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am mentally ready for anal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
