Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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