I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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