The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
