Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
