Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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