Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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