Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
