you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
