I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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