I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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