Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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