Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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