does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
