There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
