You can't motorboat a personality
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
