I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize