If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
