So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.