Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
