Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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