3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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