My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
