I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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