I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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