Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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