why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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