I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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