I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need water and some morals
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
