My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
