I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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