there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
