My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
