dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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