all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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