Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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