Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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