Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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