Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
