Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize