its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
