Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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