I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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