I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
