Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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