According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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