insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
