if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
