i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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