fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
